Tonight, on the eve of one of the biggest events (besides the births of my children) of my adult life I find myself reflecting upon amazement on how quickly and positively my life has turned around in just under two years. Two years ago, this time of year I was living in a hotel, walking across town at my job in a bar, most likely methed out, and cringing at my own existence. I felt hopeless, alone, scared and uncaring of what could or would possibly happen to me. I overdosed I don't know how many times in that hotel room, alone and somehow kept waking up to turn around and do it again the next day. I was living in complete insanity, not knowing/caring if my actions were noticeable (hint: they were most definitely noticeable), the fear of never seeing my family again because I was too far gone overwhelmed me. I wanted to quit, I needed to quit, but I couldn't, the urge to not exist far outweighed the desire to change or admit that I needed help. I acted reactively and made poor decisions to continue my downward spiral, using every excuse in the book to keep slowly killing myself. Little did I know that one simple, frightening, but simple phone call would change the trajectory of my life. I picked up the two-ton phone and admitted I needed help, that I was at my rock bottom.
Fast-forward back to present day, I have superseded my normally high expectations by tenfold and then some. Now all those little baby steps I took to get this far have somehow led me to one of my biggest burdens or resentments that have crutched me for nearly two decades. But....not so fast life had to throw me one last roadblock my way, I'm guessing to check if I have really changed and if I could overcome my biggest obstacle, that being myself. Friday afternoon, just hours before their office would be closed for the weekend and won't reopen until just a couple hours before my hearing Monday morning, I received a voice mail informing me that my case was closed, appointment canceled, and I would have to resubmit all my information to get another court date. I instantly started to shake from the inside out, stirring up all sorts of emotions, fears, and thoughts of how I was doomed, and my world was beginning to self-destruct again. Luckily, I took a deep breath, talked to a couple people about what was going on, then picked up the phone and tried to figure out the problem. The old me would have just turned right to the [insert substance here] and made my problems and awaiting doom a reality. After a couple hours of being on the phone, I found out what happened, and why I got the phone call, but those answers weren't enough. I stood up for myself and for once I didn't let bad news completely fog my clarity. After I got off the phone, I was still left with nothing else I could do until Monday when the office was open again and I wasn't off work. I wanted to leave work so badly, the inner demon in me was telling me to ask to leave, knowing damn well where that would wind up taking me. I stayed at work, I accepted that it was out of my hands, and I would pursue again on Monday when I was able to. Within the hour I checked my phone again, and low and behold I had seven different messages from the hearing office and the final message stated that my court date and time were back on schedule. All the things I have learned in rehab, counseling and therapy sessions were put to the test, I didn't react instantly, I didn't defeat myself! All those baby steps that I thought meant nothing took me through the crossroads of change or remaining stagnant, always playing the victim. Even if I don't get the decision I'm hoping for tomorrow, I do know that only I can decide if it's the end of the road or just another bump in the road.
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