"People don't change." is a phrase I've heard from many bitter/hurt people. "People only change if they want to." is a phrase I hear from people with a little more emotional healing under their belts and something that resonates with me a bit more. Being in the recovery community I have seen both of these phrases in action and believed them both at different times of my personal journey. This has landed me on the latter. People can/do change if they want to. In twelve-step groups, you'll hear people say "You have to do it for you". Which I translate into the aforementioned "People only change if they want to".
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The reasoning behind "having to do it for yourself" is if you do it for your kid, what happens when they grow up and move out? If you do it for your partner, what happens if they leave? If you do it for your parents, what happens when they pass away? No one lives forever...well, there was this one guy about 2000 years ago, but that's a different blog. If you hang or pivot your sobriety or any life change on the expectation of others...what happens when that expectation is gone and no longer structuring the change you've made attached to it?
It crumbles.
I've always been a how person. Ever since I was very young I've had this, apparently annoying, need to know how and why things work the way they do. Until recently, since being in recovery, I never had people that could satiate this need. So, for those of you asking "Okay Mitchell, HOW do we change?" I'll lay it out here for you. I first heard this from a youth pastor I knew when I was younger, I wasn't ready to hear it yet. But after reading the Big Book a few times, actually listening to my therapist's direction, and picking things up through my own recovery-fueled spiritual journey...I get it now.
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Let me ask you this first: What do you get if you sober up a horse thief? Some of you may recognize that reference. Answer: You get a sober person who steals horses. The true way to facilitate change is to do the opposite of the behavior you're trying to change. Are you killing yourself with substance use? Live a life of wellness. Are you a selfish asshole? Do things for others and be kind. Are you a liar or a thief, maybe both? Tell the truth and become a giver. And for f#@k sake do the things without expectations for something in return. Expectation just screws the entire process up and lands you right back where you started. Sometimes the karma is more valuable than anything you can get anyway.
I've had chances to make these opposite decisions in my life. Recovery gave me these opportunities but you have to take them when they present themselves. There's a conscious decision involved. But I can promise you, if you take them, you will facilitate real, tangible change in your life as well.
Until next time.
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