One of the greatest gifts that my life in recovery has brought me is the ability to create and be present in some of the biggest moments in my kids lives. I distinctly remember moments early and throughout my childhood with each or either of my parents. These moments are some of the roots of the reasons I wanted to be a father. These last couple weeks I can finally confidently say that I made a few of these moments happen in my children's lives and I must say that the feeling is a million times better than any substance could give you. The sheer look of joy and true happiness pulsating from the very beings you helped create is priceless. Moments like these could have happened or may very well been happening for years and I was too oblivious or self-infatuated with drowning myself out from life and loathing in my own self-pity to notice. Luckily three of my children are old enough to enjoy and notice my transformation, and I believe that the moments made with them mean so much more because they are old enough to remember what it was like, the hell I put myself, their mother and them through. They remember the psychotic outrages for no reason, the missed promises cause daddy didn't feel good, the constant chaos they adapted to were made to believe was normal. They are also getting to that age where they may not want much to do with their old uncool dad anymore, so the timing of all this is perfect.
I can proudly say that I was able to take all five of my children to my hometown and have Christmas with their Great Grandparents who haven't seen them in quite some time, I was able to take my beautiful little princess to get her ears pierced for the first time and fulfilling a promise that has been given to her for multiple years now, and I was able to take my teenage boys to their first real trip to a big city and able to take them to their first professional sporting event. This really hits home with me because this was a major bonding experience between me and my father and part of the reason, I always considered him my best friend. I spoil the crap out of my kids and probably contribute to some of the "brain rot" that kids these days talk about, but moments like these I know will stick with them forever, there will be lots of other memories that is for sure, but these firsts, I know will last forever and I am so blessed and elated that this version of me is the one that is able to be in those memories and not the person I was before. Thank you for listening, until next time.
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