When I was using I was struck with grief I didn't know how to handle. I feel I only had one coping skill. I would make the grief and pain I was feeling about myself. My behaviors showed, that I acted like a fool or created a scene. I would open my mouth and put input where it did not belong, or go around seeking attention. Like I was the only one suffering from the loss. I would be with my family for a short time then go drinking at the bar. I would set exceptions like I was entitled to something. Little did I know a change was about to happen and I would learn that is not how we should behave.
In 2015, starting my sobriety journey, I had to look back at my past behaviors. As much as I didn't want to I had to learn this about myself, that we don't behave like that. My first loss in sobriety was my relationship with alcohol. Alcohol was a common denominator in how I behaved. Not only did I greave that I couldn't drink I had to stop going to the bar which also then separated me from my friends and my social life. How devastating, I was pretty sure I would never have fun again. All my fun involved Alcohol and drugs. I was told in the rooms of AA I just had to redefine my definition of FUN. I had to go through this grief looking at myself and my actions and behaviors. I did this by going to AA, listening to others, and working the steps.
My second loss in recovery was when I was 10 months sober, my grandpa passed from a stroke. I was by his side the whole journey, showing up to support my grandma and mom. I would spend countless hours at the hospital with him. I would go to an AA meeting before I would go to the hospital and one when I would leave. I would share with the group how I felt. I needed to attend many meetings, to get guidance on what to do next. I would also feel my emotions and acknowledge them when they popped up. I put no expectations on my family. I was part of the family instead of leaving to go to the bar. When I got through that hard time in my life, I looked back and realized I didn't have to drink to drown the feeling. I also got to see a part of the miracle working within myself. As long I showed up and did the work I could make it through anything sober. My Grandpa was one of two people that I thought for sure someone would have to hold me down when his end of life came as I would destroy myself.
Today, I have lost a best friend from suicide in 2021. My Grandma this past Thanksgiving 2024. My husband's Grandma. I have lost a dog. Friends in and out of the program. I have learned new things about myself with each loss. They all hurt my heart deeply, but one thing I know today is drinking is NOT an option for me. I can feel sad and angry, but don't get to act on those emotions.
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