It is no hidden fact that myself, or any of us are getting any younger and for me that has come with a lot of aches and pains as of late. In my using days I was always sure to tell doctors that I had chronic back pain and to be honest I thought I did, just not to the extent of what I disclosed to physicians, but for the last 6 months or so and especially the last month I think karma has caught up to me and decided to show me what real back pain is like. What stated as what I thought to be just a pinched nerve months ago has now accumulated to a constant, annoying pain, sometimes completely seizing my body up in pain if I turn the wrong way or move a certain way. Along with this annoyance and pain throughout my day, a different type of growing pain has been in the forefront of my brain as of late as well
Some may look at what I am about to say and think I am depressed or down about the situation which at surface level may be entirely true, but the reality of the situation entails a different thought process regarding my own personal growth and development and realization that these growing pains are part of the journey and necessary for me to heal. I have come to the realization that no matter how hard I try or don't try, no matter the achievements or goals met, I will never be able to please everyone or always make the right decisions that will appease everyone. This is something I try to share the knowledge upon with others when I speak in meetings, but when it involves those closest to you and/or family you still try your hardest to make everyone happy and it hurts more when you upset, hurt or disappoint the ones you love. After a lucky streak of good fortune and mending of relationships, the underlying baseline viewpoint of what people think of me is less than appealing is the polite way to put it. Past decisions and a lot of wrongdoing on my part are things nearly impossible to escape. People may comment on your progress or how well you are doing, but in the back of their minds the "old you" are still all they see. The people in my life today either knew me when I was fucking up everything or are people, I've met through my new life who may not know the details of my past life, but have preconceived ideas or expectations on who I am or I am supposed to be. This is frustrating because now I feel like I no longer can be me around anyone. When it comes to family this is especially painful because all they want to hear from me is that everything is perfect and the moment you try to actually explain how you feel it's like God hit the panic button in their brains and they just shut down or are planning your next relapse for you in their head. The people I want around and want to share things with the most, no matter how hard I try, will never be able to understand or accept who I truly am, does this stop me from growing or is this the fertilizer needed to promote my growth even further? I would like to think the latter is the appropriate answer to that question. Knowing that even my family will never be satisfied with me makes it easier for me to be satisfied in doing what I think is best for the moment I am in. Being fully present and aware of my conscious and subconscious thoughts and tendencies, allowing me to truly start to embrace myself. Thank for listening and until next time.
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