As I keep navigating my way through the river of life, I can't help but notice a reoccurring theme in my life and that is always feeling like I'm alone. I remember this as far back as memories go. I distinctly remember at the age of 5, asking Santa for a brother or sister. I just wanted someone to be around constantly, to share everything with, good and bad. This is one of the driving factors in the decision to have multiple children. I never wanted them to feel this feeling of emptiness or loneliness. Today, I feel just a more maturated version of m 5-year-old self. Now granted my views on life and my expectations of magical beings bringing me happiness have progressed as well. I now have come to the realization that this is who I am supposed to be. Alone, not alone like boo hoo I'm looking for sympathy alone, but rather alone in my search for betterment, alone in standards or viewpoints, alone on a lot of things. This is the beautiful part though, we are all alone, we are supposed to be. Nobody can and will figure out things in our own lives for us except ourselves. I think this may be a key step in my search for self-actualization.
When I started this journey of recovery, I also wanted to find something beyond the beautiful promises that recovery lays the foundation for, I wanted to find meaning, reason, the answers to all the great questions of history. Now believe me, I'm far from any of those things as we sit here today, matter of fact, a few short weeks away from a college degree, I may be more unsure of these things than ever before, but I do feel like I am transcending in some way. I know for a fact that we are all a part of something much bigger and greater than ourselves, the signs are around us and within us everywhere we look. That same power, that creates and destroys everything from the heavens to the earth, resides within each and every one of us. When we stop trying to think that we can have complete control over everything and start giving ourselves to the laws of nature and just be, is when the answers begin to start appearing.
Sometimes, the feeling of being alone can overwhelm us and kick in our survival instincts and our natural human desire of connectivity, but in other cases it can bring on a feeling of empowerment. The yearn for connection with individuals is still there, but I am enjoying learning to be connected to myself and the powers that be. Moral of the story is that even in times when you feel alone or unconnected, remember that we are all connected and on the search of the same thing, but it is okay to be alone in your individual search because nobody can find it for you but you. Every person on our path is here for a reason, whether to teach a lesson, help you out, need your assistance, need to be taught, etc. but nobody on said path can do what you need to do to for yourself to reach enlightenment. Stop searching from acceptance from outside sources and start searching within, the rewards will be greater than words can describe. Thanks for listening, Until next time...
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