The last few weeks I've just been kind of down and out, sluggish, and not really feeling like my normal self. I've been second guessing myself, doubting myself and pretty much just going to work and coming home and that's about it. I've been doing horrible on doing anything in my weekly goals and doing very little to do better than the day before. I've been aware of the fact that my daily meditation routine has been faltering and while this very well could be part of the reason, I know that there is something grander than that underlying these issues I've had with myself.
This last weekend and earlier this week I got just what I needed to get over this hump. I have been able to be with all 5 of my kids 3 out of the last 4 days, and with more time and opportunities planned in the near future, I've received the prescription to ease my troubles. I've felt like I've been doing so much for so many people and myself, but with nothing necessarily reciprocated or progress really being made. As hard as it is to have all of my kids here with me in my little 1-bedroom apartment and orchestrating everyone's schedules and needs with no transportation and usually very little or no notice of what needs to be done, this chaos is exactly what I needed.
I now realize all that I've been trying to do to better myself is really starting to pay off and seeing the joy on those kids faces just seeing me or being able to be with me and the amount of love I receive from them is why I do what I do. Of course, everything is not ideal, and I still struggle with making them go back home, along with the immense feeling of loneliness and sensory deprivation I have when they aren't here, I no longer feel like I'm still failing. They may not understand why things are the way they are, or the events and reasons why I'm not at home with them, but the interactions, conversations, and the amount of joy that is shared among us while together, I feel that I am exactly where I need to be at this point of my recovery. Our relationships with each other are stronger and better than the have ever been, and I'm so grateful for every text message, snap, or phone call I receive from them. Not to mention the time we spend together, where nothing else in the world matters.
I'd like to both thank and apologize to all my friends, co-workers, employers, and family members for allowing me to get through this on my own. I hate not fulfilling my obligations or my promises, but I appreciate those who let me find my own niche in finding reason for what I'm doing. I now know that I need to be more direct with my goals in order to achieve them, while not trying to bite off more than I can chew. I also know that I may not be able to please everyone all the time, but as long as I am doing what makes me happy, while continuing to try and better myself, I'm okay with that. I love everyone who is and continues to be part of this journey I'm on, and even though I try to make it seem like everything is all right, all the time, I know that sometimes it isn't, and I'm okay with that as well. I've always been my biggest obstacle and I'm blessed today, to not only recognize this but also catch myself before I completely implode and give up on myself.
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