Lived Experience

I've been having a bumpy few weeks and I'd like to share what's going on and how I've been dealing with it. There's been a lot going on lately and I just don't feel like I have enough time in a week to stay on top of all my work projects, personal life stuff, and keep up a healthy amount of rest/sleep. This has been wearing me down and when my emotional/recovery capital gets low like this, cravings start to creep in.

Being over three and a half years into my recovery journey, I have actually gone pretty good lengths of time being craving-free. Virtually completely. Something that most of you know is that I am in recovery from alcoholism that spanned the better part of sixteen years and almost took my life. More than once. But I'd like to share today that substance use disorder isn't the only thing I wrestle with on a daily basis. I have struggled for many years with porn and food addictions as well.

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Ever since I permanently removed alcohol from the equation, the other two took over rather rapidly. And I have to say that even though these two aren't as immediately detrimental to my life/health, they do greatly affect my physical and emotional life deeply.

This week, I got attacked by all three. It started with a long day on the road and not enough sleep the night before (mistake number one). The cravings to drink started to creep in. As I felt my mind start to justify making a terrible decision, I prayed to my Higher Power for the remainder of my drive home. When I had firmly fought off these urges the sexual desires knocked on the door immediately. It really didn't help that there were two sex toy shops and a strip club directly on my way home and it took every bit of my telling myself no while driving past these places.

"I'd rather you eat too many snacks right now than drink yourself to death" —Jennifer Bowling NP

Pornography addiction may not sound like the worst thing, but for me, it affects my immune system, ability to focus, nervous system, and intimacy of all kinds with other people. Things I need discipline over in my life. Once I white-knuckled it past these temptations the urge to eat until I got sick flowed into the picture. Something my doctor once said rang in my head, "Mitchell, I'd rather you eat too many snacks right now than drink yourself to death".

I had just overcome two sets of cravings that I see as fatal attractions, so I formed a plan. I stopped at the grocery store, got some veggies and ground beef to make a healthy dinner...and also left with a pint... ...of ice cream. Moomers Coffee Toffee, one of my local favorites.

In the future, I hope to be disciplined enough to resist even this decision I made. But as for now, I am proud of myself for making the decision I did, instead of two possible others that could end some of the most amazing things I have going for me in my life today. The decision I would have made three and a half years ago would have been gravely different.

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One thing I've identified is that I should have reached out to someone for some moral support, called or text one of the many people who support me in living a healthier life. Shame kept me from doing that and that pisses me off. I know I can do better.

Next time one of you will be getting a text or a phone call from me when things start to get difficult like this again. I tell people in groups I run and coaching I do, to reach out when the walls start closing in. This last week I got a devastating reminder of just how difficult doing that can be.

What I do on a daily basis is structured on lived experience. Lived experience that I am still collecting. Please know, that if you need someone to reach out to for that moral support when you're struggling, we're out here waiting for you, and we understand what you're feeling in this moment. Don't let shame win.

Until next time.