"People heal at different paces." This is something my therapist told me in early recovery. Another saying, pessimistic people use, is... "People don't change". Quite bluntly, that's bullshit. I personally see every single day people in the community around me who have changed toxic habits and poor mental health into a life of wellness and recovery.
So, today, I'm going to tell you a story about a critical part of my recovery and my:
MOTHER
Mothers can be incredible people. Some, not so much. I will preface this with my mother is an amazing woman, not perfect (like the rest of us), but still a good loving mother. But this topic came up in conversation today so I wanted to share it. With you.
Somewhere around 6-9 months of being sober my therapist sat me down and asked if I'd consider coming off the Vivitrol shots I was getting to take my alcohol cravings away. She believed I was ready. This scared me immediately. What if this medication was the only reason I was able to stay sober? How can I possibly stay sober without it? I was feeling very uneasy about the thought of removing my MAT program (Medication Assisted Treatment) from the equation. I decided to think about it and consult people I trusted, before making a decision.
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I spoke to the girl I was dating at the time and she was hesitant but trusted my therapist. She supported the attempt at unmedicated sobriety. But then, I decided to ask my mother. Who immediately brought up all the anxiety I initially had about quitting the shots. "What if you can't do it without it?" Meaning sobriety without Vivitrol. A phrase I'll never forget. That was enough for me to lose all self-confidence in the possibility of me being able to cultivate sobriety in my life, on my own. My therapist was disappointed but understood this was a difficult decision for me to make. She didn't let up on me though.
Fast forward to my 1 year of sobriety mark. My therapist approached me again stating that if she had anyone in the program that was ready to come off the Vivitrol shots, it was me. We had recently covered living recovery for myself, and when it comes to wellness... I'm the captain of my ship. That therapist had done miracles in helping me build a self-esteem I never had before. So I decided, with the program's help, to quit my injections. On the back side of this decision, I formed a plan and executed it.
“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” ―Carol Burnett
This plan was to tell NO ONE but the supportive people in my recovery program that I was quitting the medication. I chose to keep this a secret for 6 months, which put me at 1 1/2 years sober at the end of these 6 months. Which is twice the sobriety time I've ever had during my adult life at that point. The plan was to break the news to my loved ones once I hit that 6 months no Vivitrol mark. There was no girl to tell at this point, that's a story for another day. But, there was my mother. Was she going to hit me with the same doubts she had almost a year before?
Almost perfectly verbatim, yes. She immediately expressed the same anxiety about me not being able to stay sober without the MAT injections. Only this time, I was then able to report that I had quit them 6 months earlier and had successfully stayed sober the entire time. I'll remember the tears of joy on my mom's face much longer than the self-esteem-crushing doubt I had heard mere months before. My recovery had started to become real to the people around me too.
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Which brings me back to the opening line. "Everyone heals at their own pace.". We have to remember that a lot of our loved ones experienced our addiction alongside us. They are healing wounds from watching us self-destruct and all the poor decision-making substance use disorder comes with. The next step is realizing that they aren't getting the therapy you are, they probably aren't a part of the recovery community you are, they aren't going to the meetings you are, and they aren't receiving the support you are. Which means... They aren't healing at the same pace you are.
There's a lot of grace required in this part of recovery. And this time it requires you to give the same amount of grace that you're hoping others are giving you. This and giving them measurable tangible proof that this go around is different and real change is being cultivated in your life. ...which takes time. It's like an episode of Oprah... YOU GET SOME GRACE, and YOU GET SOME GRACE, and YOU GET SOME GRACE!! The whole process is easier when grace is flowing in every direction.
But remember, all you can control is how you react or respond to what happens to and around you. So the grace has to start with you sometimes. It's not always easy, but it is always worth it.
Until next time.
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