This week I find myself looking at all the time I've wasted, either during my multi-decade using career or now in my day-to-day life. I now, unlike the past, have a new determination about me and I find myself kicking myself for all the wasted time I spend on doing mindless activities. Whether it be scrolling on one of the multiple social media apps I have, playing games on my phone or Playstation, or just watching ESPN for hours and hours on end, I constantly am looking for more productive things to be doing. Some may argue with me that down time is needed, if not necessary for one's own sanity, but this down time is when things get scary. I now longer have the urge to drink or use drugs, but the desire for more and more is getting stronger and stronger. It may be because for once in my lifetime I can actually feel all the feelings or maybe I'm still searching for more of something I don't exactly know what I'm looking for. Either way, I find myself wanting to do certain things, but like my past, finding myself getting in my own way.
Though I know that life in general and especially life in recovery things don't always happen overnight or the way you want them to, I find myself fighting this basic knowledge. I find myself wanting to do too much at once, which in turn makes me do nothing at all. Please don't get things misconstrued though, I am grateful for everything I have in my life, but it doesn't change the fact that I want more! Days seem to run into one another and before I know it a whole month is gone; this is where I'm having troubles. By no means is my life boring or unsatisfying, but I feel like there is so much more that I could be doing.
When it really comes down to it, I only have like 4 or 5 hours to myself a day, so what more can I really pack into my days? I spend a lot of my free time wondering what else I can do to pass the time. I find myself trying to learn and be fluent in another language, expanding my understanding of multiple religions, trying to become a person that others can look up to or count on, and being there for every moment my kids need me to be there. Your probably thinking "well damn that sounds like a lot", well maybe it is, but to me I just know that there is so much more to be done. One of my previous blogs I wrote about how mundane things felt to be back home after travelling across the globe, and believe me that feeling is still there, but now so much in home life, but within me.
What I'm trying to get at is that my micromanaging of myself needs a tune-up. In the upcoming couple of months I have my driver's license hearing I need to prepare for, I have recovery coach training to do, college classes will begin again, and an even more busy high school/middle school football season upcoming. Despite all of these wonderful things going on, there's a lot of work to be done in preparation for these events. I really need to buckle down on doing things that are both beneficial to me an also conducive to my personal aspirations. I no longer have the same struggles as I once did, but these sober people problems are no easy task within themselves. Guess I'm just going to pray and meditate about it and turn things over to God and out of my hands and hopefully the answers continue to just fall in my lap like they have recently. They say the first year of recovery is the hardest so things must get easier right?
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