I honestly feel like I've had an abundance of personal revelations recently, to the point where I'm positive I'm immersed in one of the biggest transitions of my life. And I think I may have even hit a milestone that I didn't realize I was waiting for.
In retrospect, I think my life hit a boiling point, of sorts, about a month ago. At the time, in the moment, I would have probably described it as shit hitting the fan, but now I see it as a time when a change was needed, and I was unable to see it without chaos pointing it out for me.
Luckily, I don't have to get into the details of the events, but part of the result of that day left me in a position where I really had to question how solid my recovery was. I wasn't wanting to drink but leading up to that time, I had been feeling confident in the work I had been doing and the growth I felt I had made. But what was happening around me seemed to contradict the idea that what I was doing was working. In general, I started to notice a theme within the people closest to me that they were feeling like I wasn't handling my responsibilities to the best of my ability. Of course, initially, I was offended because my mind went straight to the things I had been doing well and used that as justification for falling short elsewhere. If I would have stuck to the way I used to do things, I'd probably be sitting in a much different situation right now. At best, I'd still be pouting and waiting for the situation to bend to my needs, and at worst, I'd be doing that drunk or in treatment. Instead, I was able to understand that there is something I'm missing in this situation and there's most likely a lesson waiting for me there.
So, I gave myself the time and space to sort through what was happening. What was my part in it? The more honest I can be with myself with that question, the more I'm able to understand life and how to be a happy part of it. In short, I was in a spot where I was starting to become a little complacent and hadn't really noticed it. When things are working, nobody wants to rock the boat. I wasn't really thinking about it this way but subconsciously, I was happy with certain results and probably didn't want to push my luck. Other people were also happy with what I had been doing but also knew I'm capable of more and I honestly think they were worried about rocking the boat as well because I haven't handled it right in the past.
Now today, I'm in a new situation. Nothing changes overnight but I think the path got a little clearer through this experience. We were all waiting for the other shoe to drop which was the case every other time I've gotten sober. Risk is scary. But recovery has given me all the examples I need to know that you have to try something different if you want different results and all the limbs I step out on now are always worth it. In this situation, I have the responsibility to help my family see an example of that at work moving forward. Recovery probation is over. I hope nothing but truer feelings and closer bonds result from this lesson.
All of my future relationships will be stronger because of it. Recovery has blessed me again.
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