One of my greatest attributes is also my biggest obstacle. Through my whole life I've never had a healthy balance of self-love. After reading many books and exploring multiple religions, I've come to the realization that this is my ego getting in my way. What do I mean you may ask? Well, for many instances I feel like I'm the shit, I can do anything I put my mind to, I'm a great father, friend and all-around cool ass dude, I feel like this world is a better place with me in it, but in the same breath or thought I feel like nothing I do matters or is even noticed. I feel ugly, old, washed up, weak, unapproachable. Again, I know these are just tricks my mind is playing on me trying to get myself to self-sabotage everything that is going great in my life. This may make me sound crazy, but it truly is a war inside my head. One minute I feel confident on the verge of cocky and the next second, I feel hurt, depressed, disgusted and pitiful.
Everything I've learned and been taught has luckily turned my life around and I know longer let these thoughts control and ruin my life by using drugs and alcohol and other self-harming behaviors to silence or numb these thoughts, but that doesn't mean that the intrusive thoughts and crippling ideas don't still pop in my head. I still wake up some days and think I'm some kind of messiah or hand-picked by God to be here and other days I feel like I'm nothing to anybody while I just roam the Earth taking up space and wasting air. Luckily, I have a clear enough head and the wherewithal to understand and embrace the equanimity of situations and the impermanence of each of these intrusive thoughts and feelings and that only I have the power to control them. Meditation has been a major attribute to my understanding of what is going on in my busy and chaotic brain. It's amazing that in just a short 10-to-20-minute period the number of thoughts, feelings and emotions you can have, identify, and let pass by when you actually just sit there alone or in a group setting and actually just focus on yourself, on just being. Not reacting to them, but just letting them float by and come and go as they please.
This is the greatest form of self-love or self-care that I can give myself. Greater than exercising, eating healthy, breaking bad habits, spending time with loved ones and the list goes on. I believe that being able to just sit with myself and letting my overactive mind sort out all the nonsense that my ego tries feeding me is the highest form of self-love and nurturing. Think about it, how many times do you talk yourself in or out of doing something throughout the day? If you really and I mean really think about it, we do it every second of the day. Whether its deciding what you want to eat, or if your even hungry at all, who you decide to speak with or what words you're actually going to say or not say to said person, what route you're going to take to work, what you're going to wear, the list goes on sometimes on a deeper level and sometimes on a more shallow level we all have a constant war inside ourselves. Being mindful and practicing being able to just sit there and recognize such thoughts, feelings and emotions and not letting them control you is an artform all in itself. It's by no means easy and you better believe your ego is going to try and take over and tell you it's not working or that its foolish or that you shouldn't be doing it, but with a little discipline it's a detrimental aspect of self-love and actualization that we all need. I am nowhere near a master at this nor do I think I'm some sort of guru on the topic, but I am an active participant. This enables me to have self-love even in the times when I feel like the like the exact opposite. Be kind to yourself and learn to love yourself, all the crazy thoughts and feelings, are just that, thoughts and feelings. Nothing actually is until you act on those thoughts and feelings and only you can control that. Thank you for listening.
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