So, I typically like to blog about the things at the forefront of my current daily experience and then relate it to recovery life, early or otherwise. But, I have been preaching about overwhelm, burnout, and the risk of relapse that's always shadowing these things, at nauseum lately. So, I am going to bring something else to the surface today. This has been the 100% most pivotal part of my life in true recovery. It was the biggest difference during this attempt at a life of wellness. The topic ever so difficult for some of us to grasp:
Therapy.
I had actually tried different therapies through church, job resources, and other sources during my earlier attempts at "getting my shit together". Every single one of these attempts had something terribly in common. A lack of honesty. Honesty with my counselors, honesty with my loved ones close to me, and the important one...Honesty with myself. Pride was the culprit here. See, like many/most men in the society I experience we have been programmed to "get over it", "boys don't cry", "be a man" (meaning to not be emotional), and my all-time favorite line of toxic bullshit: Just go to a bar like everyone else to deal with your problems. This asinine is destroying lives and the bottom line is that people are dying because of this. It's something that I have become acutely passionate about sharing now.
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So, there I am, in early January 2021, staring my brand new therapist in the face. I am less than days sober at this point and on the edge of losing my life because of my poor mental/physical health and ensuing alcoholism. My forehead is sweaty, I can barely breathe from pulmonary edema, and my heart is barely able to beat. This HAS to work this time. My therapist asked me a question near the end of my intake into the recovery program I'm staring down the barrel of: What's your recovery goal? Wtf? I don't want to drink anym... before that thought can become words, she interjects. Literally saying "And it can't be I don't want to work anymore". Fml, I have no idea. She recognizes this and makes me an offer. Think about it tonight, bring me something in the morning. Okay, I get up and leave.
"Honesty is the first chapter in the book" —Thomas Jefferson
The overthinking starts here. My emotional shape was in more shambles than my physical and the depression supercharged with severe anxiety isn't being bridled by my alcoholic avoidance tendencies anymore. I edge a nervous breakdown the entire night...sleep doesn't really exist at this time of my life anyway. Morning comes, I have to answer that question at 10am. Sitting, in the same shape as I was the day before, in front of my therapist and she asked that question verbatim. Today my answer is that my recovery goal is to "Do whatever you tell me to do, 100%, without question, because everything I've tried has failed miserably and I don't want to die". She accepted it, typed it out, made me sign it, and then used it against me every time I showed even the slightest bit of pushback during my therapy sessions. This is the accountability I desperately needed. DESPERATELY.
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This spurred the most honesty I had ever had in every single direction of my life and the almost four journey through sobriety (which is exponentially more sober time than I've had in my entire adult life).
Surrendering your pride can save your life. It doesn't feel good at first, but that goes away. It starts to feel good the more you do it.
If you would like details about my story stop by the 217 Recovery Center in Traverse City Michigan, call us, email us, or listen to one of our awesome podcasts. I don't want you to get as close as I did to losing literally everything you can have in this life.
Until next time.
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